Day 5: What Happens When Whales Become Your Client

A few days ago, an anti-whaling speedboat called Sea Shepherd collided with a Japanese whaling “Research” fleet. There’s a big bruhaha about this and the Japanese government is being sued for the damage. Check out the video here.

Today’s post is written by a guest writer, Leah Cim. She is not interested in debating the socio-political implication of whaling today. She found it hilarious that a Sea Shepherd spokeperson referred the whales as their clients.  So, without further adieu enjoy the post.


Believe it or not, a Sea Shepherd spokesperson referred to whales as their “clients.” Seriously. So, we imagine the service the clients get when they phone up for help.

Automatic Operator: Thank you for calling the Sea Shepherd Customer Relations Hotline. We value this ongoing relationship and thank you for taking the time to engage. However, we have switched to an automated phone service to handle the volume of calls.

Please choose from the following options, either by pressing the number or by answering the voice prompts.

  • If you have been harpooned and are currently being dragged, in pain and bleeding, aboard a Japanese “research” vessel, press one.
  • If you are being chased through the high seas by a whaling ship and need a Sea Shepherd crew to throw rocks, try to jam propellers and engage in dangerous activities to distract or injure the crew, press two.
  • If you are swimming harmlessly in the sea away from all the action but want to know more about our services, press three.
  • If you are a long-term Sea Shepherd client and want to manage your account and services, press four.
  • If you want to make a donation to the organisation, press five.
  • If you are thinking of beaching yourself so some environmental organisations can engage in non-dangerous and ultimately pointless attempts at rescue, press six.
  • For all other inquiries, please hold the line and a client relations consultant will be with you shortly.

You have pressed one.

  • If you would like to be rescued from your situation, with several Sea Shepherd volunteers storming the Japanese vessel, pirate-style, by jumping between boats on icy Antarctic waters and fighting with the crew, press one.
  • If you would like Sea Shepherd to mount a peaceful protest where nobody gets hurt and ineffectual hippies wave a few placards, press two.
  • If you want the Rudd Government to say a few words, make a few hollow threats, but ultimately do nothing, press three.
  • If you want the Rudd Government to do something about your situation, we are sorry but this service is no longer available.
  • If you are taking more than half an hour to die a gruesome death at the hands of the “researchers” and want them to get it over with quickly for the love of all things holy how cruel can these so-called people be, press five.

You have pressed one.

Three Sea Shepherd boats and a documentary crew have been placed on standby in the Southern Ocean to assist you. We just need a few details to confirm your membership status, please have your client number and credit card details ready.

To answer the following questions, either key in the numbers on your touch tone telephone or speak the answers clearly for our voice recognition software.

Please input your location as exact as possible. If you do not know to the second, please have degrees and minutes ready.

I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. Did you say six degrees five minutes north, dirty shoes degrees bee hive minus peace?

Whale: No, I said 64 degrees and three minutes south, 143 degrees and nine minutes east.

Automatic Operator: I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that. Did you say sex tea door degrease south, nun tundra and bore tee free ambergris mime tinnitus please?

Whale: No, you stupid piece of …

Automatic Operator: Please hold and an operator will be with you shortly to assist you.

Thank you for waiting, your call is important to us. Have you considered a Sea Shepherd superannuation plan? A discount is available to those who already have insurance membership.

Your call has progressed in the queue. Thank you for waiting.

Operator: Hi, I’m Shereena. Thank you for waiting. Now, you are being dragged on board a Japanese research vessel and you want our assistance, is that right?

Can you please give me your membership number? Thank you.

And your password for your account? That’s right, everything seems to be in order now.

Now, where exactly are you?

In the Southern Ocean, okay.

I’m sorry, did you say that was Australian waters? Our records say that only seven countries recognise that part of the world as Australian waters.

That’s okay. You are an Australian whale? What do you mean you don’t know what Australia is?

Never mind, your membership payments seem to be up to date, we can have three boats and a documentary crew to you very shortly.

Wait a moment, I’m just having a few problems with the system. That’s got it.

I’m sorry, there seems to be a problem with your coverage, it does not include the loss of a steal boat during the operation. Would you be prepared to upgrade your coverage to include that, I think the situation needs it.

As a valued client, I can offer you some discount on that. That’s right, no lives will be lost. Could you give me your credit card details?

Okay, you have previously agreed to our terms and conditions, so that’s okay.

Now, how close are you to death?

Whale: Aaaarrgh, hrrmmph.

Operator: I see, as a valued client you are eligible for the Sea Shepherd funeral plan, should I connect you to the right department?


Have a great weekend!

2 Responses to “Day 5: What Happens When Whales Become Your Client”
  1. TheRuffStuff says:


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